A Letter To Myself
Following your dreams takes SO much grit.
We need contrast to express light. It's part of the human experience.
I feel like I'm walking the plank. The ocean waves rolling beneath my feet. I can only see the horizon, and at least it's bright. I smell sea salt. If I spit my tongue out I can taste it. It feels so close. I look around me and I see my enemies waiting for me to fail, to fall face first into the ocean with my arms tied behind my back ready to drown to death.
The enemy is me.
I'm on a teeter totter. It's fucking hard. The only thing stopping me from achieving this is me. The only person who can achieve the dream, is me. I am the powerhouse, it's on me, nobody else. One flick and you're done, and fuck it, so am I. I can blow this shit up and destroy it, if I let myself.
I can create a long list of reasons why I need to quit today, because I've drained my savings and I'm in debt. Because of this ancestral lineage of beliefs. Because I'm afraid of being seen. Because I am afraid of failure, so if I just failed myself, then it's already done and nobody can do anything to stop me.
IT'S SUPER EASY TO TALK ABOUT THE REASONS WHY I NEED TO QUIT NOW. THE ONLY THING STOPPING ME IS MY DESIRE, MY INNER FIRE, THAT'S COMPLETELY INEXPLICABLE AS TO WHY I WANT TO SHARE MY WORK AND TO BE AN ARTIST. THERE'S NOTHING ELSE IN THIS LIFETIME THAT I WOULD RATHER DO. I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, I THINK ABOUT QUITTING OFTEN.
something stops me EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I'd rather starve, wear the same clothes everyday, and barely make rent if it means spending this life doing what I want and expressing what I feel like I was born to do. I can't imagine being stagnant, working at an office job for someone else, pitching, selling, and living someone else's dreams. What a way to sell myself.
I want to paint my feelings, I want to go deep, and let my heart unleash my darkness to bring light to this life and to yours.
I would say most people see me as a positive person, but I'm darker than I can even imagine in there. Cobwebs, spiders, bats, a never ending pit of fear. Years of built up turmoil that have crushed my soul. The way I've spoken to myself in front of the mirror. I'm not enough, I'll never be enough, and there's the whole thing of wishing I were someone else, born into a more fortunate position.
I can play into that victim archetype, oh yeah, I play it well.
I take a second to think further on this topic and what I find fascinating, is that the person who I want to be is me. Yet, I'm so afraid to become that person.
You know, the people you idolize the most have a piece of you in them, and you have a piece of them in your soul too. There really isn't anything keeping you apart or achieving what they have achieved. We're all made of star dust. Their success is your success. I imagine myself in the studio alongside the artists whom I admire deeply. Jamming. Helping each other and giving each other enough space and privacy to go there. To share the contrast in an inspiring way that makes me want to do it again, again, and again.
THE TEARS I SHED YESTERDAY, WAS LETTING THAT LOW HANGING FRUIT TAKE OVER WHO I AM. THE TEARS I CRUSHED LATER THAT EVENING, WAS THE SAME. WE ARE OUR OWN BEST FRIEND AND OUR OWN WORST ENEMY - I KNOW HOW TO HURT MYSELF WELL. BRUISES, BUMPS, SCRATCHES AND DEEP CUTS.
my fingers shake as I write this letter to myself. Choosing to think otherwise doesn't always feel like an option. Besides, it feels fucking good to sulk, to be down on me because it's comfortable, and it's all I've ever known.
So, being positive, optimistic, and to expect the best feels icky. We're not allowed to think that because we've all been told at some point in our lives it's completely unattainable. Play small Tori, be small.
I refuse to be small. I know there's more to this life than the one I let myself play into. I know that not everyone is going to believe in me. I know that the energy, the outlook, and the way I hold myself will be how other people see me. Break through that old energy Tori, be bold, work through the yuckiness - you've done this before.
When I was recovering from my eating disorder, I had to choose to live or die. Looking back it was a no brainer, but it was so hard to choose to allow myself to experience pleasure. It was excruciating.
BECAUSE I ALLOWED IT TO BE. IT WAS SO HARD TO LET MYSELF ENJOY FOOD, PEOPLE, CONNECTION, EXPERIENCES, AND LOVE. BEING UNLOVABLE WAS MY THING SO I ATTRACTED MEN INTO MY LIFE WHO WALKED ALL OVER ME. WHO CAUGHT MY HEART AND STOMPED ON IT. I BROUGHT IN FAILURE OVER AND OVER AGAIN - I'M SURE YOU'VE ALL EXPERIENCED THIS TOO.
So what's changing? I'm putting in the work, whether this costs me an arm and a leg in USD, my ego, and my dark side which I forever promise to give that up.
Dear Universe, this is what I'm bringing into my life.
TORI'S MANIFESTATION LIST:
I want this so badly it feels amazing in my body.
I want to work with the best, most vulnerable, and loving clients. They look high and low for my artwork. They want to work with me so badly that they will pay anything. They are abundant, prosperous and rich. The experience of being seen, vulnerable, and drawn nude changes their lives forever.
They want to do the experience again and again as they change and move through different experiences in their lives. Their artwork takes on different shapes, sizes, colours.
MY art show is incredibly successful. The show coming up in June is all about being, moving through shit. It’s called ontology. The vehicle of expression allows people to feel what they experience from the paintings and in their own personal vehicle, they change too. The show is so successful that the artwork sells out within 1 hour. All the canvases sell first for 1800$+ each. I make $20,000.00 at this show. My illustrations sell like hotcakes. Nothing is priced less than $500.00
The show is so successful, art galleries in Vancouver, LA, New York, Mexico want to host my artwork. Because of the show being so successful, I host another one in the fall. I host one in LA in March, I host another one in NYC in October of the following year and in December in Mexico.
My artwork is colourful, vibrant, and contrasting. It makes you stop and think about what the piece is about. It brings out a different expression in others. Everyone sees a different story which inspires me deeply.
Every month I get a MASSIVE commission, at least $6,000.00+ Starting in May.
On top of the commission, I’m selling pieces , and I make $2,000.00 in sales a month.
I make $5,000.00 in private portraits a month too.
I am booked 3 months in advanced for portraits, I am booked 6-12 months in advanced for commission pieces.
My art exhibits are booked 3months - 1 year in advanced.
I am feeling free, happy, powerful, confident, calm, relaxed, expressed, loved, beautiful.
My relationship with my man is ever growing. We grow so close and strongly together. We have a lot of patience for each other. We love each other so deeply. We care about each other a lot. We are level headed, we don’t take things personally. We like to travel together. We make quality time for each other daily.